I’ve only really just started going to gay bars for about a year and a half now. Most of my friends are straight and so I’m usually more comfortable in a regular bar than in a gay bar. Now there are so many types of gay bars it’s confusing enough, but when you start throwing in girls (why?! More on that later), and even worse, straight men (an even bigger "why?!"), it can really get downright confusing for everyone!
My experience at most gay bars have been mixed depending on where I go. Most times I am forced to go alone since I don’t have many gay friends. I stand there with my drink in hand and look around and decide that most of the people I wouldn’t be interested in talking to. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been to bars where I have creepy old men (yeah I know, I may become on of those years from now) staring at me like I’m a TV dinner or whether it’s the fact that there are guys my age and younger that AREN’T staring.. or even looking.. or even acknowledging the fact that they are stepping on my foot! Maybe it’s not my crowd of people. Or maybe, I’m not their crowd of people. So I usually decide to hang out at one gay bar.
The times that I have left the "nest" of my comfortable gay bar of choice, I’ve had mixed experiences. The one night I ventured out to three different bars to see how they, and the gays, compared. I started off at Gym Bar. I’ve been there before and I’ve had mixed feelings about it. I always give it a shot. It may be the layout I don’t like. It could be the fact that I usually have my book bag with me and have to try to storm through the crowd of gay men like a bizarre wedding entrance. Or it could be that I have no interested in any of the guys there. When I say "interest", it doesn’t mean I’m looking for sex, just meaning no interest in talking to people. Anyway, the longest conversation I had with someone that night was with a black gentleman who told me I had pool chalk on the back of my jacket. Well that was nice, so I decided to return the favor and offered to buy him a beer, which he refused. NEXT BAR!
Next, I went to G Lounge. Here is a strange set up and a small bar. I don’t really like crowds or people on top of me (ahem), so trying to navigate through the bar with your book bag with you is a pain. Needless to say, I wasn’t there very long. My finally bar of the night and where I had my longest conversation of the evening was at Barracuda. And of course, with my luck, the longest convo was with a transexual with a moustache. It was definitely the most interesting conversation I had that evening, even if I don’t remember what the hell we were talking about. Er.. Maybe it wasn’t that interesting after all! At the end of this tour of three gay bars, I was probably happy to have anyone talk to me!
Tough night, but the troubling gay scene for me gets worse for a rookie like me. I went out on a Monday for a coworker’s birthday and the other bartender that I work with came with me too, who happens to be a straight girl. Gays love girls at their bars.. well MOST gays (more to come on that). Rachael and I are sitting there having some beers, while Junior (we call him that cause his name is Ryan too) is prancing around with the young girls he’s with on his birthday. Rachael and I are bullshitting when Rico Suave is staring at one of us… and it isn’t me. Turns out someone let a straight guy into this bar! WTF?! Now I have to commend him on his cunning and intelligence (or maybe he’s just a horny lothario), but I think it’s pretty smart to go to a certain type of gay bar to pick up chicks for one reason: NO COMPETITION! That being said, it’s confusing to me since I no longer have any clue as to who is straight and who is gay. Throw in some Europeans and I’m fucked!
My last problem is with the girls at gay bars. I don’t talk about fashion or hair or makeup. I don’t know what goes on with your cycle. I’m more inclined to talk to you about my latest bowel movement. So can someone tell me why they are here?! Look, I’ve brought girls to a gay bar before, but they are mature and not being obnoxious whores. They have straight bars for that. I probably won’t be bringing them to gay bars anymore. Look gay bars are often meant for MEN. So I am really sorry that you have to sit down when you have to take a piss, but I have to sit down when I take a shit. There.. I’ve said. I shit. I am a gay that eats and I shit. So please straight girls at Boxers Bar in NYC, if you have to use OUR bathroom (it’s labeled "MEN") please keep your mouth shut while others are using it. I don’t want to hear "Seriously?! I have to go to the bathroom! Are you taking a poop?!". Yes bitch. I am taking a shit. It’s my throne. I’m a man and I’m in the men’s room and I’m taking a shit. Stop taking advantage of our buy one, get one happy hours!! You broads have had ladies’ night for years!!!
I’m calling for a ban on straight women and men (unless they’re hot and curious) at gay bars. And what the fuck… ban the Europeans too!